Child-to-Parent Abuse: Understanding a Hidden Form of Family Violence
Introduction and Definition
Child-to-parent abuse, sometimes called child-to-parent violence or CPV, is a form of family abuse in which a child uses harmful behaviors to control, intimidate, or dominate a parent or caregiver. These behaviors can be physical, emotional, psychological, verbal, financial, or coercive in nature. While it is most commonly discussed in relation to adolescents, adult children can also be abusive toward their parents, particularly when dependency, unresolved family conflict, or mental health and substance issues are involved.
This type of abuse is often hidden and underreported. Many parents feel deep shame, guilt, or fear about admitting that their own child is hurting them. Others worry about being judged as bad parents or fear legal consequences for their child. As a result, child-to-parent abuse tends to remain invisible, misunderstood, and minimized, even though its impact on parents can be severe and long-lasting.
Understanding why this abuse happens, how it manifests, and what parents can do is essential for breaking the cycle and offering meaningful support to affected families.
Why Children Abuse Their Parents
There is no single cause of child-to-parent abuse. Instead, it usually develops from a combination of individual, family, and social factors. These influences can differ between adolescents and adult children, but many themes overlap.
Emotional Regulation and Developmental Factors
In adolescents, abuse toward parents often reflects poor emotional regulation. Teenagers are still developing impulse control, empathy, and problem-solving skills. When strong emotions like anger, frustration, or fear feel overwhelming, some teens lash out at the people closest to them. Parents are often seen as safe targets because the child assumes the relationship will survive the behavior.
This does not excuse the abuse, but it helps explain why it may emerge during adolescence, especially when the child lacks healthy coping skills.
Learned Behavior and Family Dynamics
Children may learn abusive behavior by observing it. Exposure to domestic violence, harsh parenting, emotional neglect, or inconsistent boundaries can normalize aggression as a way to gain control or express distress. In some cases, a child who once felt powerless in the family may later use abuse as a way to reverse that dynamic.
Overly permissive parenting can also contribute. When limits are unclear or consequences are not enforced, some children learn that intimidation or aggression works. Over time, this pattern becomes entrenched.
Trauma, Mental Health, and Neurodivergence
Unresolved trauma is a major risk factor. Children who have experienced abuse, abandonment, bullying, or chronic stress may externalize their pain through aggression. Mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, conduct disorders, or personality-related difficulties can increase the likelihood of abusive behavior, particularly when untreated.
Neurodevelopmental conditions like ADHD or autism do not cause abuse, but when combined with emotional dysregulation, poor support, and misunderstanding, they can increase conflict intensity within the family.
Substance Use
Substance abuse plays a significant role, especially for older adolescents and adult children. Alcohol and drugs lower inhibitions, increase irritability, and impair judgment. Parents may be threatened, manipulated, or physically harmed during conflicts related to substance use, money, or boundaries.
Dependency and Control in Adult Children
In adult child-to-parent abuse, dependency is often a central issue. Adult children who rely on parents for housing, money, or caregiving may feel shame, resentment, or a sense of failure. Instead of expressing vulnerability, they may assert control through intimidation, guilt, or violence.
In some cases, parents have spent years rescuing or enabling their adult child, unintentionally reinforcing abusive patterns. The longer this dynamic continues, the harder it becomes to change.
Forms of Child-to-Parent Abuse
Child-to-parent abuse takes many forms, and it does not have to be physical to be serious or damaging.
Emotional and Psychological Abuse
This is the most common form. It includes constant criticism, insults, humiliation, threats, manipulation, and gaslighting. A child may blame the parent for everything that goes wrong, deny obvious behaviors, or twist facts to make the parent doubt themselves.
Over time, parents may feel anxious, confused, and emotionally worn down. Many describe feeling as though they are “walking on eggshells” in their own home.
Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse includes yelling, swearing, name-calling, and threatening language. While it is often minimized as “just words,” repeated verbal aggression can deeply erode a parent’s sense of safety and self-worth.
Threats of self-harm, running away, or false accusations are also forms of verbal abuse used to control parents.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse can range from pushing and throwing objects to hitting, kicking, or using weapons. Even a single incident is serious. Parents may minimize physical harm, especially when the child is younger, but injuries and fear tend to escalate over time if the behavior is not addressed.
Financial Abuse
Financial abuse occurs when a child steals money, coerces parents into paying debts, damages property, or controls access to finances. This is especially common with adult children who are unemployed, addicted, or financially dependent.
Coercive Control
Coercive control involves patterns of domination rather than isolated incidents. A child may dictate household rules, isolate the parent from others, monitor their movements, or use intimidation to get what they want. This form of abuse is often subtle but deeply damaging.
What Parents Can Do
There is no quick or simple solution, but there are steps parents can take to protect themselves and work toward change.
Acknowledge the Abuse
The first and hardest step is naming the behavior for what it is. Abuse is not a normal part of parenting, and it is not something parents are required to endure. Recognizing this can reduce shame and open the door to support.
Set Clear and Consistent Boundaries
Boundaries are essential. Parents must clearly state which behaviors are unacceptable and what consequences will follow. These boundaries need to be realistic and consistently enforced. Empty threats or inconsistent responses often worsen the problem.
For example, if a child becomes abusive when asking for money, the boundary may be that financial support stops if abuse occurs.
Prioritize Safety
If there is physical violence or credible threats, safety comes first. This may involve leaving the home, contacting emergency services, or seeking a protection order. Parents often resist these steps out of fear for their child, but safety is not negotiable.
Seek Professional Support
Family therapists, counselors, and social workers with experience in family violence can help parents understand the dynamics at play and develop strategies. Individual therapy can also help parents rebuild confidence and address trauma caused by the abuse.
In some cases, intervention programs specifically designed for child-to-parent abuse are necessary.
Stop Enabling Harmful Behavior
For adult children especially, parents may need to stop rescuing, covering up, or financially supporting behaviors that cause harm. This is not punishment. It is a shift toward accountability.
Build External Support
Isolation strengthens abuse. Parents benefit from confiding in trusted friends, support groups, or advocacy organizations. Knowing they are not alone can be transformative.
Conclusion
Child-to-parent abuse is a serious and often misunderstood form of family violence. It cuts across age, culture, and socioeconomic status, affecting both parents of adolescents and parents of adult children. While the causes are complex and rooted in emotional, psychological, and social factors, the harm it causes is real and profound.
Parents deserve safety, respect, and support, regardless of their child’s age or circumstances. Addressing child-to-parent abuse requires honesty, boundaries, professional help, and a willingness to challenge long-standing family patterns. With the right support, change is possible, but it begins by recognizing that love does not require enduring abuse.
Breaking the silence around child-to-parent abuse is not a betrayal of family. It is a necessary step toward healing for everyone involved.
